Friday, October 12, 2007

Carlos the Unicorn and the Journey to Banana Mountain

(In response to a meme--don't blame me for the Candy Mountain flashbacks, blame Snuffles at The Sci-Fi Catholic.)

A word of explanation: being a good monarchist, I refuse to promote the Marxist propaganda of SVII's Che Lovell and his play The Bananas of Revenge. Instead, I present to you the story of an innocent, hard working unicorn Carlos and his oppression by the Marxist agitator unicorns Red and Pink. The following is the story outline.

Open on Carlos taking his siesta in the middle of a beautiful Latin American field.

Pink & Red: Hey Carlos, you lackey of the Norteamericano imperialists, come with us to Banana Mountain. It is a workers paradise. Come with us Banana Mountain!

Carlos: Oh, &#$r#, it is you guys. Listen I have told you, I don't want to join the International Federation of Working Unicorns. And there is no such place as Banana Mountain.

Pink & Red: Shun the capitalist! Shuuuuun.

(Cut to Carlos, Pink, & Red standing before a dinosaur.)

Carlos: Holy #$#&, what is that?

Pink & Red: Don't you recognize Jimmy Carter? He is taking some time away from propping up Latin American comrades and certifying their elections. Listen. He is telling us the way to Banana Mountain.

(The dinosaur spouts nonsense in a southern accent.)

(Our hero arrives at Banana Mountain.)

Carlos: Holy #$#*, Banana Mountain does exit. Can I go home now?

Pink & Red, pulling out AKs: Sorry Carlos, reactionaries have to go to the Banana Mountain reeducation center.

(As Carlos marches into the reeducation cave, the letters from the Banana Mountain sign come to life and sing a rousing rendition of The Internationale.)

(Cut to a bruised and battered Carlos.)

Carlos: Oh freaking, ^&#EW#, they took my wallet!

(Now you understand why my vampires in rural Utah novel has never been written.)
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